Alone

About ten years ago I found myself "serving" in a church position which lasted for almost 3 years. It entailed leading a group of women in order to take care of their families, their spiritual development, their temporal needs and social needs. We had activities to oversee, talks to give, lessons to teach, hungry families to feed, dysfunctional homes to try to heal, etc. I found this to be a very challenging time in my personal life because there was so much that needed to be confidential in what I did or why I made the decisions to do the things that I would do for those in need. I felt very alone. I could only share with my husband the surface stuff. I couldn't really talk to family because they wouldn't know the culture and/or circumstances that I was dealing with. I could ultimately turn to the Lord and find sure answers in prayer, scripture reading and fasting. I know that I was criticized and mocked at times. I know that my family was treated differently and sometimes maliciously by the few who were arrogant and jealous. And we had a relatively young family.We had only been married for 10 years and had 4 very young children.

One day while I was trying for a quiet moment to think about by family and my calling and the things of that day and week, I opened a new book by a favorite author of mine, Robert L. Millet, and read about Joseph Smith. These are the words I read and found great comfort in:

"Like his Master, Jesus Christ, Joseph Smith was called upon to endure a life of loneliness. It was a life characterized not only by persecution and suspicion but also by an isolation known only to those who walk in the glorious light of noonday sun, who know with an absolute certainty and yet must minister among others who seem content to walk and talk in the fading rays of dusk, those who struggle with faith, those who doubt, and even those who dare not believe. The farm boy who grew to become a prophet's prophet was also, to some degree at least, "a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief" (Mosiah 14:3), one who knew firsthand the costs of Christian discipleship. "God is my friend," he wrote to his wife, Emma, at a difficult time. "In him I shall find comfort. I have given my life into his hands. I am prepared to go at his call. I desire to be with Christ. I count not my life dear to me, only to do his will." (The Personal Writings of Joseph Smith, p. 239; punctuation modernized.) Such expressions enable us to discern the soul of Joseph Smith, to discover the underlying secret of his success, his humility. But he was the prophet of the Almighty; God knew it, and he knew it."

There wasn't an answer in this to my specific questions. But the comfort I received seeing that a great man who faced severe challenges just as the prophets of old who is well known and often held very high in our church also faced the feeling of aloneness and seclusion that I was facing albeit on a smaller scale.

Who else in their life has had life experiences and more than likely, like myself, more than one where they have their own personal knowledge of the truth or validity of their decisions and no one but God can really know it, too?

". . . God knew it, and he knew it."

Who would have thought that the rebuilding of a trailer for a destitute dysfunctional family would only serve to help them to sell it and make a better life in another place? Who would have thought that a young mother would be given the chance to start over and after great sacrifices by others, would chose to go back to drugs? Who would think that working for a year in a boutique in the heart of Las Vegas, that a young mother would influence a beautiful young woman to leave a life of degradation to go to a full productive joy filled life?

Who do we judge in their day to day and bigger life decisions? Who do we in an arrogant, self-serving moments decide to "counsel"? As my mother often said, "Who do you think you are?" Who do we think we are when we harshly challenge difficult choices of another? We are the grave cause of another's aloneness and pain if we find ourselves doing these things. We add to the trial of another's faith. We add to the darkness.

Sadly, I know both sides. But now I see some things that, for me, are strengthening.

I hope that in the spirit of wisdom that I continue to remember that my life is my life and I am responsible for it. I am responsible for having the kind of relationship with my Savior that entails the blessing of an all-knowing friend as my guide. And in this working for a personal relationship, I hope that I will find that although I might not be understood, supported, or appreciated that I will always remember that I have a Savior who loves me and works with me so that my life is what it is meant to be.

Yes, I still have very alone times when I know that the only one that understands is Jesus Christ. I think instead of feeling sorry for myself, I will bask in His love. He surely understands.

Side note: It is a rare time that I feel so alone.

I have a loving husband and children to share this life with.

I have wonderful parents and siblings and their spouses and children

in great numbers

whom I love spending time with and can turn too, also.

I am very blessed.

My Cup Runneth Over